Pursue Her As A Friend

I'm noticing a problem. There are single Godly women in my church, that none of the single Godly men are pursuing.

What I believe is happening is men are putting up walls that keep them from seeing a Godly woman as more than a friend. For example, when you meet a woman and you're not immediately physically attracted to her, you allow that lack of attraction to dictate your desire to get to know her more. That is you putting up a wall. She just failed to meet the physical requirement on your list so you're not going to look at her any further. There are other walls we put up too: she has some personality traits that bug you, so you put up a wall. You don’t think highly of her career, so you put up a wall. The list could go on and on.

Women are guilty of this too. For the same reasons, women, when a Godly man asks you out, you will say "no".

The reason this putting up of walls is a problem, is because it's making things like physical attraction our first priority, when our first priority should really be whether or not she is a woman who is loving and pursuing Jesus.

Take Down The Walls

When you fixate on physical attraction, or the things about her that bother you, it makes it difficult for you to see the beauty of her walk with Christ. Take down the walls, look past physical attraction and those annoying personality quirks and look at her pursuit of Jesus. See how her Bible is covered in underlines, highlights, and notes in the margins. See how she serves. Listen to how she prays. Watch how she disciples, counsels, encourages, and loves people. Once you see the depth found in those things, you'll begin to see the shallowness of placing such a priority on physical attraction, or the like.

Life takes it toll. We will not always be beautiful. Cancer may shrivel us up. Deep suffering may rob us of our sense of humor. You cannot root your attraction to your spouse on things that are so temporal and circumstantial. God’s love for us is not circumstantial. His love for us is not based on our looks, our personality, or our accomplishments. Our love for our future spouse should start with a love for their walk with Christ.

If I ever get married, I don't want to tell a story of how we met that starts with, "I saw this beautiful girl across the room". I want to tell a story that starts with, "I loved how she prayed" or "I loved how she marked up her Bible" or "I loved how she served the church".

Pursue Her As A Friend

Whether you’re ready to be in a romantic relationship or not, if you’re a single man, single Godly women are worth getting to know. Physical attraction and enjoying her personality are important. However, they are not the most important and you should not put up walls around a woman based on those things.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to pursue her romantically, and there is a time to pursue her as a friend. If all you see around you are single Godly women that you aren't attracted to, pursue them as friends. Don't scoff at the fact that you're surrounded by single Godly women. O what a problem to have! Being surrounded by single Godly women is a huge blessing; make biblical and effective use of it. Women, the same goes for you. Being surrounded by single Godly men is a huge blessing; be patient with them.

The pursuit of friendship with a person of the opposite sex is a sweet thing. I am in that season right now, and I've really been enjoying it. It has given me fresh eyes to notice some of the incredible, single, Godly women in my church. I'm noticing the girls whose Bibles have pages that are covered in highlights, underlines and notes in the margins. I'm noticing the girls who take notes during sermons, who pray with one another, who write down prayer requests, and who copy down scripture. I'm noticing the girls who silently serve the church. I see the ones who have a heart for reaching the unreached. I notice the girls who pray together, and disciple, and counsel one another. It is a sweet thing to see all this. It is even sweeter to pursue them in friendship and see it more deeply.

Desire To See Her As More

The walls must come down. Don't grumble about how there aren't any girls that fit your vain list of requirements. If there are single Godly women around you, but you're not attracted to them, you should pursue them in friendship, and want to see them as more.

Imagine you’ve become good friends with a girl. You’ve been able to take down the walls and really witness and love her walk with Christ. You love spending time with her and you’re mutually encouraged by each other’s pursuit of Christ. However, you’re not physically attracted to her. If you ever get to this spot, I encourage you to begin praying that God would help you desire more from that relationship. You don't think God can help you become physically attracted to her? He can. You don't think God can deal with those personality traits that you're so bugged by? He can. Pursue her in friendship and wait and see if God grows something more.


Desiring God, Ask Pastor John, Matt Chandler, Should I Date a Godly Girl I Do Not Find Attractive?